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10 Things I learnt living in a community for a year...

Writer's picture: Elif KilincElif Kilinc

Updated: Nov 9, 2021

So I’ve been saying for a while that I will spill the tea on what it was like living in a ‘conscious’ community for just under a year.


To give you some context, my partner and I were co-living with 20-40 others (the exact number would fluctuate often as people left and joined) on a large piece of farm land in Central Portugal.


The aim of this particular community was to harmoniously and self sufficiently co-live on the same piece of land with like minded individuals, each in our own dwellings e.g a motor home, geo-dome, a tiny home etc. We came from all different parts of the world but mostly from the UK, all wanting the same thing, to live as close to nature as possible, with others who share the same values; natural and holistic health, natural organic home grown food, spiritual practises and beliefs, sovereignty/freedom and generally a natural, sustainable way of living.


The plan was to start off small and continue to expand and grow the community across Portugal and maybe the world!...


When we first moved to the community it was only really just starting to form, it was very new and was still very much in the early stages.


Sounds ideal right? Well I am obviously no longer living there, for many reasons. The main one being that we decided that is was not a sustainable long term plan for us personally and just did not feel in alignment with who we are..


The experience was both magical and toxic all at the same time. I feel like I have had about 10 years worth of spiritual healing and personal growth condensed in to one year, it was intense… So although the experience was far from perfect, it was one of the most significant chapters of my life and for that I am so grateful.


So what are the biggest lessons I took back home? There are soooo many, but I decided to condense the most significant ones in to 10 simple points...




1. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD

Manipulation, fear, dishonesty, power struggles, greed, disconnection, misogyny, infidelity… These are world issues on a large and individual scale that cause chaos and disharmony amongst each other. We easily project these issues on to others such as government figures and those around us but we so often fail to see these issues within ourselves.


Moving to a ‘conscious’ community to get away from these issues made me realise that they are not escapable. Even if you surround yourself by self declared conscious people, these issues are ingrained in to us, in to our psyche, in to our being. The people in power are just a projection of us as a collective, we cannot just simply escape.

The best thing we can do regarding these issues is look deep within ourselves to find true resolve.


2. YOU SHOULD ACCEPT AND RESPECT OTHER PEOPLES LIFE CHOICES

This has been a hard one for me as I tend to think I know best when it comes to other peoples lifestyle choices, but seeing how judgemental some of the people I was cohabiting with about ‘less conscious’ peoples lifestyle choices made me reflect on myself and my own judgements and behaviour.


I have strong opinions about how we should be living, however, these are my own, and yes I still judge in my head sometimes, I am only human, but I have learnt to be much more respectful with how I share my opinions and ideals.


To dictate what someone else should be eating or doing with their bodies when you have no background info on that person is utter self righteousness. There are many positive ways to spread and encourage your own ideals, but to put others down for the way they choose to live is something I really think twice about now and it doesn’t sit well with me.


We are all on different journeys in this life, what we choose to put in our bodies and how we choose to live is completely up to each individual.


3. SPIRITUALITY CAN BE VERY VERY TOXIC

Meditation, raw veganism or other strict diets, law of attraction, manifestation, healing, plant medicine etc… And any other spiritual practise can be used in a highly toxic ego fuelled way.


Meditation can be used as a method of escapism, instead of resolving your issues you can gaslight yourself and try to meditate them away.


Strict spiritual diets can be used as a form of extreme self control and can also be used to guilt and shame others and yourself.


The law of attraction can be used to attract what is not necessarily meant for you.


But the biggest, BIGGEST load of spiritual bullshit that makes me so angry is spiritual by-passing. By this I mean when people use phrases like ‘everything happens for a reason’ during the height of a traumatic event or ’raise your vibration’ at the slight hint of real emotion, this is totally and utterly gaslighting other people.


Imagine your house just burned down in a fire and you have lost all of your belongings and before the fire is even out someone says to you ‘it’s happening for the highest good’ without even acknowledging the trauma, loss or shock you are currently feeling… How would that make you feel? Like utter shit probably.


Also, some spiritual peoples obsession with ascension seems so bizarre to me, particularly all this talk of getting to 5D. To me it seems to be another form of escapism, you choose to come here on Earth to experience this reality as a human, why are you constantly trying to get somewhere else? Where are you even trying to get to?


4. PEOPLE ARE NOT DISPOSABLE OR EASILY REPLACED

My family and friends are not disposable or replaceable. The connection I have with those I have grown up with and who really know me is invaluable. The love I receive from immediate family members is unconditional, it is hard to come by and is not easily replaced.


I can try to replace them with the new like minded people I have met over the past couple of years who I tend to put on pedestals but it is never the same comfort and ease as I feel when I am around them.


5. SUPPRESSION OF THE DIVINE FEMININE RUNS DEEP

Unconscious and conscious suppression of the divine feminine runs really deep. When you tell a woman she needs to be less emotional or her thoughts and opinions are invalid or that she needs to just get over her fears, you are suppressing her.

We are deep feeling, intuitive, emotional, messy beings. Our intuition is guided by our ability to feel. When we stop allowing ourselves to fully feel we shut ourselves off to our internal guidance system and we become easy to manipulate.


We are complex creatures. You cannot pick and choose what parts of a woman you want and what parts you don’t want. Until you accept every part of us you do not accept any part of us.


6. YOUR LIFE CHOICES SHOULD NOT BE BASED ON WHAT YOU FEAR

You cannot make big life choices based on what you wish to avoid and be truly happy. Your fear of what you think the future might hold is completely valid and should be listened to. However, when you begin to allow this fear to consume you and the choices you make are purely based on avoiding these fears it is highly likely you will end up leading an unfulfilling life.


Your fears are a projection of what you think may happen in the future, they are not a certainty, no matter how much you convince yourself that they are.


You can choose to project positive or negative beliefs in to the future, it is a choice.


When you choose to project positive beliefs in to the future it tends to be a lot easier to make decisions that are in true alignment with your heart and soul.


7. TRUST TAKES A LONG TIME TO BUILD

Anyone who is worth trusting will acknowledge and respect that trust takes a long time to build. You cannot move to a community of strangers and blindly trust them instantly. This is not normal or healthy.


Trust needs to be proven. I need to feel that you take my best interest in to account for me to trust you.


If anyone ever says that you should trust them completely, before you even really know them or before they have given you good reason to, this should raise red flags.


Give yourself all the time you need to allow that trust to be built naturally.


8. HUMAN CONNECTION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD

Despite the ups and downs of community living, one thing that became really apparent is that we humans really do need each other. I absolutely loved being around others for the most part of my day, eating together, dancing together, working together, laughing together. That part of community life was truly amazing.


The community really helped me build strong enough boundaries so that I can be around others often and not lose myself. I feel much more comfortable around others now and it is my preference to be around people, I feel I am able to be myself which means the connection I now have with others is truer and deeper and those feelings of loneliness are a thing of the past.


I really believe that we are not meant to live alone or be alone for long periods of time.


9. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SELFLESSNESS

Everything you or I do is to benefit the self, even if you are the type of person who constantly feels they self-sacrifice or put others needs before their own, you are still doing this because you feel it benefits you in one way or another. Perhaps it makes you feel worthy, appreciated, fulfilled or happy.

Or on the shadow side, perhaps you do things for others because you then feel they are then indebted to you and you have the upper hand.

Whatever the reason is, if we all just admitted to ourselves that nothing we do is completely selfless than the relationships we have with each other would be much more open, honest and easy. We can then get off our high 'selfless' horses and stop projecting on to others and accusing others of being selfish.

It is perfectly normal and very healthy to want to do things for self and to get your needs met, if we were honest about it we would be able to get those needs met in much healthier, less manipulative ways.


10. HUMANS ARE NOT YET READY TO LIVE TOGETHER HARMONIOUSLY

I really do believe community living is the way of the future and in the long term, the most sustainable and fulfilling way to live. However, I do believe that as a specie humans have a loooooong way to go before we can live together in large communities harmoniously.

We have developed so many harmful survival tactics such as trying to control each other, dishonesty, greed etc that it has become second nature. We don’t realise the ripples that we are creating when we exert this behaviour.


So, here’s to continuing to do the internal work and being able to let go of those toxic survival tactics that we no longer need, which enables us to build real, loving, trusting and deep connections with each other, without the need to control each other.


Love always, Elif x


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laure.galjart
Nov 06, 2021

Wow Elif, spot on! Totally agree on each and every point you made! If i may, add one more it’s the following realization:

Humans like to be admired by others. This is true in general but specifically in the case of there being a leader or a guru or a visionary in a community it will lead to n healthy behavior. A person who energetically and emotionally is being fed by all the others, who in their turn want to get admiration and approval from this leader often has as a consequence that the leader becomes megalomaniac and starts to manipulate those around him. Those who support him - often blindly- are included in the inner circle, they are …


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